My approach
When we’re suffering, 3 things are in order:
Understanding
Making sense of what’s happening
Compassion
Approaching these insights with kindness toward yourself
Change
Take action based on what you learn
Understanding
First we need to better understand how you got to where you are.
Emotions are not inconveniences — they’re signals that carry important information. If the information your emotions carry to you is inconvenient, you might have learned to ignore, rationalize, dismiss, or otherwise manage your emotions.
These attempts to manage emotions are natural—and sometimes even necessary or helpful at first—but eventually they hurt more than they help, causing a buildup of negative emotion that brings people to therapy.
I’ll help you reflect on why and how you learned to manage your emotions, and you’ll practice interpreting your emotions and what they’re trying to communicate to you.
We also need to understand your habitual responses. In therapy you will discover several ways you react automatically in distress or conflict that are unintentionally working against you, perpetuating your problems, and keeping you stuck. You may already be aware of some of these unhelpful responses, while others may come as a surprise.
We'll explore the assumptions and beliefs you learned through past experiences that drive your automatic reactions so we can challenge them and loosen their grip, opening the door to new possibilities that will better serve you.
Without first taking time to develop this understanding, we won’t be able to confidently identify the changes you need to make in your life to ease the suffering that brought you to therapy.
People need space to explore and answer questions like…
Why am I suffering? What causes suffering?
If nothing has helped my chronic pain, am I missing something? Is there another way to understand pain?
How do I deal with the changes of menopause or being diagnosed with a chronic illness when it feels like there’s no room in my life—not an inch of “give”?
How could it be that I’ve checked off all my goals and I’m successful—but still unhappy?
My life looks great on paper, so why do I feel so lackluster and quietly dissatisfied on the inside?
Why do I feel like there's something missing in my relationships?
Why do I people-please or rush to fix things for others?
Why is it so hard for me to recognize what I need?
Compassion
We need compassion — both from and for ourselves and others — before we can change.
Depending on your relationship to compassion, this can be a surprisingly difficult step. If compassion has always been in short supply around you or you haven’t been offered much compassion in your life, it might take more time to develop compassion for yourself and to see why it’s worthwhile to do so.
“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.”
— Carl Rogers
This step can’t be skipped. Self-criticism, shame, or sheer force of will cannot not motivate genuine, lasting change.
Change
Empowered with self-knowledge and self-compassion, you’ll begin to:
Make proactive, supportive changes to your routine
Undertake new ways of relating to yourself and others
Change how you decode and respond to emotional information when it arises.
Replace reactive habits with more effective and aligned actions
Act from an awareness of what you actually need, even when it’s inconvenient—rather than doing what you think you “should” or what others expect of you
Here’s what this can look like in practice:
Instead of withdrawing, staying quiet, or hoping someone else senses what you need…
You take a breath and express your valid needs and emotions to the person across from you.
Instead of operating within the fearful, restricted, narrow world your chronic pain has reduced your life to…
You begin to prioritize once again the things that are important to you.
Instead of struggling to thrive in an office or home environment that doesn’t meet your needs…
You make changes to the environment around you so it actually works for you.
Instead of doing what you “should” do next or what others expect of you on the path to traditional success…
You follow your internal compass and take your next step from your values.
Instead of escaping, distracting, scrolling, or checking out…
You stay present and address the material arising with honesty and courage.
In sum:
You challenge your old beliefs and what you thought was the only way you could respond, and find that new things are possible. That although it felt really difficult in the short-term, changing your responses brings relief in the long term. Your genuine needs are finally not only known to you—they’re met.
Making these changes takes practice, and I’ll be here to support you through that, celebrating with you and helping you troubleshoot as you go. Soon enough, you’ll have the hang of it and no longer need me.
My approach to therapy is influenced by my education and training in the treatment modalities below, and is always tailored with you in mind:
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)
Acceptance & Commitment Therapy (ACT)
Schema Therapy
Internal Family Systems (IFS) Therapy
Pain Reprocessing Therapy (PRT)
Somatic & Mind-Body Interventions
Even more than the treatment used, a good fit between therapist and client is actually the most important predictor of how well therapy will work for you. It’s hard to be vulnerable and grow if it’s just not the right fit.
To that end, check out my Are We a Good Fit? page. If it resonates with you, I invite you to book a free consultation call so we can have a chance to meet over the phone before you decide whether you’d like to schedule a first appointment.
If we have a consult call and it just isn’t feeling right, I’m happy to provide a referral to another provider who might better meet your needs. My goal is for you to start off on the right foot with the right therapist for you, whether that therapist is me or not.